Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Cat Love pt. 2

This blog post may result in some tears (okay, let's be honest, I'm going to bawl) which is why it's later than I intended.

After my sister took Neva back I had this space that was void in my life and so I rushed out a few days after he had been gone-it was just under a week- to the HBSPCA to find my new furry little love.

Now, I'll be honest, I probably shouldn't have gone to replace Neva so quickly, circumstances abounded and I needed to fill the hole in my heart so started by looking at the SPCA website where I discovered a delightful little nugget sleeping in his photo named Shrimp.

Off to the SPCA I went Shrimp's picture in hand with my mum and now ex-boyfriend in tow.

Arriving at the shelter I was surprised at how busy the place was (which is good!!), we found one of the volunteers/workers and I asked about Shrimp, the lady looked him up in their database and informed me that he was currently in a foster home.

I'll be honest, I was disappointed, but there was this giant room with kittens running around and this one precocious little boy walking away from us with his jet black tail straight up-the rest of his body was white (with various black spots in random spots).

So I ventured into the room with the kittens unsure of how you go about "choosing" one...but my dilemma only lasted a split second, if that, when this adorable little monkey ran to me and put his front paws on my legs standing to get to me. I knelt down and picked him up-the nugget with the jet black tail, he snuggled in and the SPCA employee scanned his chip. Her reaction? "Oh! This is Shrimp! He must have just gotten back."

So I carried Shrimp over to my mum and my ex to see what he thought of them, approval from all parties meant I had met my new partner in crime.

We filled out the appropriate paperwork, borrowed a carrier and headed to Wal-Mart so I could pick up some essentials. One being a harness which when I clipped onto Shrimpy that day in August 2008 I told him meant he was loved.

Now I should mention that neither of my parents were thrilled with me getting a cat, nor was my brother who is allergic to cats, and I should mention that it as hard the first couple weeks with a new kitten that wasn't my Neva.

Sleeping on the bathroom floor the first night I had Shrimp and having him literally sleeping wrapped around my neck purring is an experience I will never forget. Thinking he was lost and finding him curled up on my sister's dresser sleeping. Him getting out of the house and sleeping under the porch by the hot tub (clearly  he was a smartie from the start!) and my ex stamping on all the porches only to have Shrimp bolt out and around to the door we let him in and out of.

And starting my third year of university with such a happy, calm, and pretty freaking cool cat was just the beginning of my journey into "Crazy Cat Lady".

Stayed tuned for Part 3! More Shrimp stories and adventures.

                                                             Shrimp is a box cat.
                                                           Enjoying the view in Ktown.
                                                                  Getting snuggles.
                                                                Little Kitty face!
                                                                  He was so tiny!!
                                                                     Kitty toes ftw!

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.       -Mark Twain

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Cat Love Pt. 1

Just over 5 year ago I was entering my 2nd year of University and looking after my sister's cat-Neva. I had volunteeried to take him as my sister looked for work and wasn't sure where she would end up.

I knew that I would be able to give him a good home and she would be able to not "let a cat hold her back." I did not however envision myself falling in love with the little bugger. Neva is a Himalayan/Siamese mix and my sister found him on the side of the road in Thunder Bay with his brother abandoned. Anyone who knows a little about cats should know that Siamese cats are not usually the friendliest.

Such was the case with Neva.  He was very territorial and nippy, biting or attacking out of nowhere. I learned quickly though that what he was searching for in those attacks was affection, acknowledgement that he was there and really just cuddles and love.

He also loved going outside (on a lead) and so I'd study on my porch while he rolled around on the small patch of grass out front, explored the neighbours flowers, and greeted the visitors on the sidewalk. We then started going for walks and as much as he would sniff, I would inform him if we didn't walk we'd just go home and so there I was going for hour long walks at 11pm with my cat on snowy Kingston nights. And even after that first hour I'd have to drag his adorably fluffy tush home.

He became my best friend and he was not the same cat I had taken on, nor was I the same girl who took him on.

But after all is said and done, he had to go back home once my sister got settled and I was left with a hole that I needed to fill...with some more fluffy love.

 Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
                                                                                                                      - Joseph Wood Krutch

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Gluten Free?

For just under two weeks I've been trying to follow a gluten free diet.

After the August long weekend full of giant pains in my intestines, doing a small amount of research, I thought it added up that I might have a gluten intolerance. And I am not a big "go to the doctor for every small mishap" person, plus, going gluten free isn't really going to harm my  health-oh less carbs and more veg? Yeah terrible for my health.

Anyway, the first week was not as planned. I was dreadfully tired and could not figure out why. Again a small amount of research and a few discussions with more researched friends I discovered that I was in the withdrawal stage. I believe I'm passed that stage now. Except in a moment of weakness (and a bit of emotional eating) last night I ate bruschetta at work and today am paying for it. The good news is that the food that hurts me is starting to just look unappealing now. Whoohoo!

I should note that I'm not following a "strict" diet-I'm reading labels and avoiding gluten whenever possible but I had cake last weekend and ate around the cake for the icing...and did that again with an ice cream cake-ate the ice cream but left the best part(the fudge and cookie crumbs SIGH), I've also eaten things that have the warning "made in a factory that processes, nuts, wheat, etc" but like I said, I think it's an intolerance not anything super severe.

OH and I am in love with rice crackers-the 98 cent variety from No Frills is super fantastic!!! It's been a slow process but overall I'm excited for this. It's not as hard as I thought-my favourite coffee shop near my work makes gluten free waffles and treats that are tasty. Pinterest has been a huge help finding recipes. Overall, slow and steady will make my tummy happy! (and maybe help in those unnecessary pounds I've previously talked about!)

After I was diagnosed with celiac disease, I said yes to food, with great enthusiasm. . . . I vowed to taste everything I could eat, rather than focusing on what I could not.”
                                                                                                    ― Shauna James Ahern

Friday, August 17, 2012

Maf the Dog

I'm blog-failing. And going to do something that is so incorrect, but hey that's me!

I'm currently reading Andrew O'Hagan's novel The Life and Opinions of Maf the Dog and of His Friend Marilyn Monroe that my bookish friend MoMo gave me because it reminded her of me and I am loving it. I've been reading it for longer than I'd care to admit due to life but whenever I can I'm reading a page or two and working my way through.

It's not secret that I'm a lover of Marilyn and intrigued by her life, her real life, and not that glamorized Hollywood version of biographies, articles, and the like. I wish I was able to have a conversation with her because she is fascinating.

It's also no secret that the love of my life is my darling Shrimpy, who-no isn't a dog, but who-yes has ventured through my muddled life with me for the last 4 years in quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) attention. He's known when I'm sick before I do and takes care of me the same way I take care of him.

So O'Hagan combining Marilyn, her "unreported" life and writing it from the view of her dog Maf is an automatic love! However, that's not to undermine the exquisite writing style, the use of gorgeous imagery and word play, and the insight not into Marilyn but into humanity. The book is a work of fiction so how much of it is true, anyone can guess, but suspending reality and indulging in creation the novel is a work of art that reaches into the human psyche and motivation.

Maf is a wonderful narrator and learning about his "culture" is fantastic. The novel has made me smile and cry on the same page. It's a magical read and I cannot wait to get to the end...well, in some ways.

"When it comes to the story of people's lives, isn't it strange that we seldom know them in their quiet, reading moments?"
           -Maf the Dog, The Life and Opinions of Maf the Dog, and of His Friend Marilyn Monroe

Friday, July 27, 2012

Triangle of Health

I'm a big believer in being healthy-mind, body, and soul.

Sometimes though it's hard to have the stars align though and have your mental health, match up with your physical health, and spiritual health.

And oh boy, am I struggling with being physically healthy.

It's not that I can't make it happen, lose the weight I need, build the muscle properly, eat right, etc. I am capable. I can do it.

What is happening is the fear of past mistakes, past mishaps.

Mentally and spiritually I am a place I don't think I could have imagined, a year, two year, three years ago. And I am scared to give up that happiness I've struggled to attain, through all sorts of drama, through situations that should never have occurred, and through my own mind.

Going backwards is a huge fear I have, and I think a lot of people have, yet we dwell in the past, look to the future and leave the present passing us by.

So, slow and steady, maintaining control and letting go when I can't control, small changes and I'll move forward, regain the "body" I had, and in the end be better for it. Why? Because I won't be the militant miserable girl who I used to be when I did it before, but I'll be able to recognize my progress, celebrate the small victories, and teach myself how to maintain this for my life.

Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.
                                                                       -Carl Jung

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Oy Vey

My lack of updating is atrocious. I've had a lot of ideas running around but between new jobs, yoga studio responsibilities and my every-once-in-a-blue-moon free time I've just let this slide the last little bit.

That being said, things are going and I've never lived in the moment more than in the last month. It's a wonderful feeling.

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I'll only do this by
Living in the moment

                             -Jason Mraz

Friday, June 1, 2012

My Girl's Birthday!

Today is my lovely girl-Marilyn's-birthday!!! So here is some of her wonderful wisdom for this and the next generation to benefit from.

I don't mind being burdened with being glamorous and sexual. Beauty and femininity are ageless and can't be contrived, and glamour, although the manufacturers won't like this, cannot be manufactured. Not real glamour; it's based on femininity.

I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.

She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know.

 Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

 I want to grow old without facelifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Eleven Eleven Make a Wish!

I'm not sure when I learned that when you "catch" 11:11 on the clock you make a wish, but ever since I've been the girl who yells "Eleven Eleven Make a Wish!" where ever I am as loud as (socially) possible.

I then close my eyes and wish. I repeat over and over again for that  minute, 30 seconds, 10 seconds, however long I've been blessed to catch the moment for what I want most at that time.

Oddly enough, this has worked more than once for me. On different ventures-love, career, creativity, etc. Now, whether it's the magic of 11:11 or just knowing what I want and focusing on getting it. I still get excited when I catch the clock.

Apparently there are some crazy theories based around 11:11 but quite frankly, at this time, my brain cannot start to work through the scientific mumbo jumbo behind it! Luckily I have found a YouTube video that breaks it down a bit. Enjoy!

                                                                Be as you wish to seem.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Let Go

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Ernest Holmes

Thursday, May 3, 2012


If you've been reading along for my posts, hopefully, you've noticed I end them with a relevant quote.

I love quotes.

For me there is something invigorating about summarizing concisely into a few words (or sometimes a few short sentences) an idea, a feeling, a dream. SO I started a quote blog where I post a quote each day that seems to summarize my day, how I'm feeling, or just ones that hit me for no reason at all.

Here is the link dear friends! A Quote to Get You Through Your Day by Kats Meow.

It is a good thing for an educated man to read books of quotations
                                                                                    -Winston Churchill

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Living Your Moksha

So May 1st marks the start of the Living Your Moksha challenge.

I registered today in hopes of getting out of the rut I've been in. I love Moksha. I fell in love almost a year ago and it's kept me grounded and centered-when I've let it, so this challenge is to get me back to letting go, loving the moment, and taking things as they come.

I'm hoping while working through the next 7 weeks and the 7 pillars I'll be able to reach a new level both on and off my mat.

The 7 Pillars which will each have a challenge are:
Be Healthy: We work to support lifelong health of the body and mind.
Be Accessible: Make real the idea that yoga’s benefits are limitless and accessible to all.
Live Green: Live to protect and serve our natural world.
Sangha Support: Believe in the power of community.
Outreach: Use creativity and energy to help others locally and abroad.
Live to Learn: Commit to always learning to stay humble, open, and inspired to serve.
Be Peace: We offer the benefit of our practice to the benefit of all beings everywhere.

 Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured.
                                                                                                                     -B.K.S. Iyengar

Monday, April 2, 2012


To say that 2012 hasn't been eye-opening, enlightening and a huge year for me at the start of its 4th month would be an understatement.

Alas, we don't choose (wholly) which years impact our lives the most, who comes into our lives and who leaves and I'd be lying if I said as wonderful as it's been there have been some very hard realities about life and myself I've had to face.

The bright side? It gave me a blog topic. ;)

This weekend I've been having a Dawson's Creek marathon. A bit ago I had a Ringer marathon. In December, I watched all the season's of Gilmore Girls.

When life gets hard for me, I turn to television, and more importantly television I watched when I was young, that meant something to me then.

I always wanted to be like Rory, have her mother and her boyfriends, and her life. She knew herself and she always held onto that. But she still allowed herself to change and grow and try new things.

Dawson's Creek will always bring me back to grade 4 and my best friends and I discussing it and using it in projects. And my secret hope that someday I'd be Joey and my best friend would realize he loved me.

I don't typically watch oodles and oodles of television and I love reading. I was the kid who walked home reading a book-walked into many a pole that way- I still carry a book with me when I leave my house. But when things get rough now, I don't read.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but slowly I've come to realize that the real reason I do it-and I think the world does it-is because television, movies, they make you feel different than reading. Reading touches people deeper, forces them to feel their own emotions because there's no laugh track, no visible person crying in pain, the subtexts and subtleties of books is raw emotion, and as humans we can't deal with that. We run away to fantasy worlds on screens where we can laugh and just chalk it up to "television."

Even in the most fantastical books there's always some truth, the revenge, the lust, the love, the fear, is real, even if the creatures can't be.

Or perhaps, I'm just philosophizing and books/television/movies all provide the same escape.

“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.” 
                                                                           -Charles William Eliot

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Braid

I am in love with braids right now. They are so versatile from a yoga class to a wedding, braids keep your hair out of your face and look ridiculously cute all at once.

The best part is ANY age can find a braid to be "age appropriate" and to suit your own personality.

One of my friends linked our whole group to this DIY Youtube video on a BoHo Twist. It has become one of my standard hairstyles! Simple and lovely.  

Here are a few styles I just think are adorable.

I have been in love with the fishtail braid since Lord of the Rings. It's so much easier than it looks too! Promise!

This one has a DIY on the website which is always nice! 

Rachel McAdams is gorgeous but look how slick her hair is. Wonderful. Not overpowering but making a statement.

I love pigtails and braids so this is just perfect.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Little Red Riding Hood

I'm sure you've noticed that I have a love of Fairytales and often refer to them for various advice and reference. This post is something I would love to take further and by further, I think this would be a wonderful dissertation for when I get to Grad school. That being said, this won't be using academic sources and lots of my own thoughts.

I have been watching the TV show Once Upon a Time and besides it being fantastic and entertaining, I love watching to see how the writers write and rewrite the Fairy Tales they are using. This is the basis of my fascination with Fairytales and why I've been missing my copy of Grimms since I got to Vancouver.

This past Sunday the focus was on "Ruby" in our world or "Red" in Fairytale world. In this version of the tale Red is in love with Peter ("Peter and the Wolf") but Granny is a hardass and won't let them be together, especially during "The Wolf's Time" and is constantly yelling at Red to wear her hood, which as most teenagers do, she rebels against.

So her and Snow White track the wolf during the day so they can kill it while it sleeps and Red will be able to run away with Peter only to discover that the tracks lead to her window! The very window Peter stood under the night before their was a massacre by the wolf.

Red goes to tell Peter that he's the wolf (werewolf) and ties him up with chains and then decides to stay with him all night....not wearing her hood because Snow is wearing it to cover for her.

Granny figures it out and freaks out. Snow doesn't understand until Granny explains that Red is the wolf! The Red Cloak has been enchanted to keep her from turning on the full-moon so they rush to find Red and Peter....but alas, Red has already devoured Peter.

Quite a change from the original right? I'd recount it but most should know the basics and if not click to read a few versions.

So this is what I want to talk about how the story changes due to cultural influences. How the stories evolve and what the folk tales of cultures reflect about that culture.

My quick analysis without any research attached beyond my head knowledge (which we all know is vast and a bit intense) is focused on the sexual aspects of the tale rather than any other focus. Red is known to attract men more than any other colour, yet in the original story the young girl is learning to fear "the wolf" and the sexual advances of the wolf, only to be rescued by another male, warning girls essentially (keep in mind this is a blog so I'm not elaborating) of sex and reminding them of their role in life.

Now in today's televised version the female is told to wear the red hood to keep the wolf away but its when she takes it off that she becomes the wolf...hmm...perhaps commentary on the ever changing sexuality of females and warning men to be careful? It is when she takes the red (known to attract men because they see it as making the wearer more sexually available) cape off that she can pursue and kill those who've hurt her. OR it's a commentary on how females are now taking sex into their own hands and essentially flipping the bird to the old tale. Rewriting it so men are to be warned off of casual and elicit affairs.

They could end up devoured by the wolf.

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.
                                              -Lana Turner

Friday, March 9, 2012

Top 25 Most Played

We have all [mostly] done those surveys where they ask you what the top 25 songs on your Itunes/Media player is. And well, I'm stuck for a post, mostly because a few of the ones I've had aren't really thoughts I feel appropriate to put out into the internet for-ever!

So to jolt me out of that here for your reading pleasure is a list of my Top 25 most played songs!

1. Just A Kiss-Lady Antebellum
2. Dog Days are Over-Florence and the Machine
3. Longest Night-Howie Day
4. Circus-Britney Spears
5. Can't Be Tamed- Miley Cyrus
6. 3- Britney Spears
7. Eet-Regina Spektor
8. Womanizer-Britney Spears
9. More Like Her-Miranda Lambert
10. If You Seek Amy-Britney Spears
11. Princess-Matt Nathanson
12. I Hate Boys-Christina Aguilera
13. Teenage Dream-Katy Perry
14. Collide-Howie Day
15. A Little Bit Stronger-Sara Evans
16. Princess- Matt Nathanson
17. Heart and Soul-Jonas Brothers (Camp Rock)
18. I Never Told You-Colbie Caillat
19. Party in the USA- Miley Cyrus
20. You're My Favourite Song- Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas (Camp Rock)
21. Radar-Britney Spears
22. Vanity-Christina Aguilera
23. Something Beautiful-Great Big Sea
24. Picture to Burn- Taylor Swift
25. Airplanes- B.O.B feat Hayley Williams and Eminem

Note: I do have two "Princess" by Matt Nathanson's there...it is probably my favourite song ever.

"Lying Here With You So Close To Me/It's Hard To Fight These Feelings When It Feels So Hard To Breathe/Caught Up In This Moment/Caught Up In Your Smile"-Lady A

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I got crafty!

So I found The Pineneedle Collective blog just before Valentine's Day and wanted to make their DIY heart tights. But with time and energy running short I didn't get around to it until yesterday.

At which point I had decided I didn't want to do hearts, boo hearts and love!

Originally my idea was to write BELIEVE down the back of my right leg and I hadn't figured out what to use as a shape...hearts could have worked then. Turns out I'm not very patient or spatially inept so my trying to make stencils for BELIEVE was a failure and the ones I found at the dollar store were too small. :(

I had figured out I wanted to use stars as my shape though...so I made two stencils one big and one small and did the front first...the stencils weren't staying very well. Too many points? Anyway, it sort of ended up very free-style which meant I figured I'd freestyle the back as well. BELIEVE ended up being to big for how I thought it would fit so I did "Wish" instead.

Here is the result of trying to get my crafty back with all my supplies still at home.

But out of limitations comes creativity.
                                                   -Debbie Allen 

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Country Girl Soul

I've been trying to figure out what concise topic to cover in my blog post. Hence the long wait [I know you were all gagging for me to write again], and I'm not actually sure this is as concise and topic driven as I want. Alas, I need to update. For my sanity [and obviously yours].

I grew up on country music. My oldest sister was very into Garth Brooks, Bryan White, Shania, Leanna Rimes, etc.

My family has a summer trailer where the music at our dances was almost 100% country jams. Old and new. Even the coolest kids would line dance for appropriate songs.

Country music is in my blood, but I sort of drifted from it for a few years, always listening to certain people aka Great Big Sea [who aren't whole-y country genre] but lately I've been going nuts needing my country back!

Now, this isn't to say it leans more to the Pop-Country side of things but I have been loving my Garth Brooks and Bryan Adams to boot.

There's something about a country song that just fills you up in a way dance music can't. In a way pop music misses with it's resonating bass. 

I've missed how it makes me feel. Happy and gloomy all at once. I miss rockin' out with my sister and her making me mixed tapes and then CD's to keep from stealing hers to listen to.

This is not to say I am not loving my indie music, pop music, rock music, just that I forgot how much I love to groove to some good hearty country tunes.

So, there's another facet of my personalities for you, country girl this one.

She needs wide open spaces, room to make her big mistakes.
                                                                                       -Dixie Chicks

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

(Vancouver) Rain

It's raining today.

Not an uncommon occurrence in Vancouver, especially during the "winter" months, but today's rain reminded me of something spectacular.

Yes, it rained A LOT in December and a decent amount in January. But really I've not gotten "too bummed" or "annoyed' by the rain.


I can say without hesitation or doubt that I love rain. I love how it feels when you are walking in it and happy and I love how it feels when you are walking in it and are crying.

No matter what it cleanses and refreshes the earth. It takes the heaviness of life and shows us how we are all connected through water and this cleansing.

I'm not sure what most people have against rain. I searched high and low for a yellow raincoat and matching yellow wellies so I could go out and enjoy the rain without getting TOO wet. But the joy of getting caught in a rainstorm is still a love I can't let go of.

This past August I got caught in a summer storm right before leaving Hamilton and I danced in it. I was out with my best friends and we all danced it in and then I got home, threw on my bathing suit and danced in the rain at 3am. It was one of the best moments of the summer.

I think it's one of those things we lose our love for as we grow up and we only want it when it's convenient or will serve a purpose for us, example, during hot hot humid summers we dream of the heat breaking with a storm.

That's not to say when it rains for 7 days straight I don't go "okay, I love you but enough I want to wear cute shoes again" but living in East Sussex, England and now Vancouver, I have truly learned I am not one of those people bothered by the rain. I don't typically take an umbrella with me. I don't curse when my hair frizzes. I just accept it and enjoy it.

Maybe we need to watch as children jump into puddles with such joy a bit more. Watch them squeal with delight as they get splashed and giggle instead of moan when things get a bit wet and perhaps muddy. 


A rose must remain with the sun and the rain or its lovely promise won't come true.
                                                                                                                      -Ray Evans

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fairy Tales Don't Exist

I've lived my life as a pessimistic optimist.

It's a term I've just designed for myself. It means as much as I have this faith in humans, in their hearts truly being good, somehow I start to doubt it, but even in my doubt, I end up hurt because I truly believe they're good.

I end up burned. I end up used. I end up wandering where my Prince Charming or Fairy Godmother is.

And then I realize, life isn't a fairy tale. Or rather, friends tell me that "Life's not a fairy tale Kathleen, get over it."

Yet, every time, something in me trusts that some day I'll get my happy ending. I don't know what it is. I don't know what in me continually sees a happy ending in the cards.

My whole life I grew up reading fairy tales, watching fairy tales, pretending I was in a fairy tale. More people than I can count have called me Princess, people I would never expect to call me anything, as a joke I put "Princess" on my Facebook page. Someone who has known me my entire life-watched me grow up once told my parents to let me know not to take it off.

Now, I should clarify, I wasn't spoiled growing up. I didn't want for the things I needed but if I wanted money I had to do chores, we weren't just given an allowance, we had to rake the leaves, clean the basement, vacuum and then we'd be paid.

It's not a nickname I've given myself, it's one that I have always remembered having, and maybe it's twisted how I want my life to look, maybe it's twisted how I believe people should act and be.

I have a fascination with fairy tales. Their origins, the true reason they were created, and how our world has changed them is amazing. They are a cultural phenomenon. Shaped by the people who created and adapted them for lessons and then just for entertainment.

But life isn't a fairy tale. They don't exist.

I'm continuously told this.

Growing up, every girl makes her checklist of what she wants in a boy. I made mine. And I thought perhaps, I had found my Prince Charming, I proceeded with caution. I proceeded because he was everything I had every dreamed of. Minus being honest, which I learned too late. This English Bloke I can't say has broken my heart but he's burned me like I never thought I could be burned because deep down my perfect mate was shattered. Ironically, I asked him once if he had attended Charm School and he once called me Sleeping Beauty and Princess.

Before Hogwarts, there were fairy tales, and the magic they held was more than anyone can comprehend, they've shaped my life. I'm not sure I can stop believing. I want to. I want to grow up for the first time in my existence I want to grow up. Maybe it's only after you grow up you have your fairy tale happily ever after.

“Classic fairy tales do not deny the existence of heartache and sorrow, but they do deny universal defeat.” Greenhaven Press

                   Princess on the floor at Grade 12 Graduation. I'm wearing an Arwen Tiara.

“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
G.K. Chesterton

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Road to Trust

Trust, I can't access the OED so Merriam-Webster defines trust as:

"a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed"
Trust is one of the largest struggles I find in our world. If we all trusted each other a bit more, and were able to trust each other that bit more, there would be less reliance on things, objects, materials and more on human connection. 
Trust is one of those intangibles of life. You can't see it, you can't touch it, but it's the most important aspect of relationships. Forging relationships is impossible without a base of trust. Trust that this person won't hurt you. Trust that you can turn to them when you need help. Trust that at the end of the day, they care for you. 

Trust and communication go hand in hand. You need to be able to communicate your needs, desires, hopes, fears, in order to be able to connect and when you give these to another human you open yourself up to hurt, tears, anger, betrayal in hopes that they are that good person you believe them to be.
There have been certain people that have come in and gone out of my life that I trusted with every part of me. There are people in my life, albeit distant in multiple ways at the moment that I can still turn to, no matter day, hour, part of the world, I know they'd be there to listen and help. There are people I want to trust but there are too many factors that stack the odds I'll ever be able to trust them. My own issues and their own inability to face their fears and move forward. And it's those ones that have brought this into the forefront of my mind. 

I don't think them bad people, on the contrary, I can see exactly where they are coming from, the confusion, the anxiety, the fear, so they hide. Hide behind lies because "the truth" hurts too much. When in fact, I've seen the truth really only sets you free. Sure there's hurt at first, sure there's tears, there's struggling to understand, but when you get down to it, living a lie means you're living with so much fear of who you are and what you can do that you'd rather diminish yourself and those you let into the lie. 

Truth hurts but that pain heals, because at least you know you were worth the truth. Lies cut to the core and make your ability to trust close to nil. 

I'm not talking about little fibs of course, the world wouldn't function if whole truths were told all the time. I mean, don't lie about being happy unless you actually can fake it til you make it happen. I mean, don't lie about who you love, or don't love, don't pretend things are okay in relationships when they aren't, talk about it, change it, or move on. 

People aren't inherently evil or mean (okay, I'm sure some are) the world we've created has pushed people to come off that way. We isolate ourselves because we think pain isn't worth it. But (excuse my use of cliches today) you don't get the rainbow without the rain. You can't know happiness and goodness if you don't hurt every once and while. You won't appreciate it. 

I think sometimes I write these as pep-talks for myself. ;) 

Trust needs to be built and once it's broken the rebuilding takes so long. Be careful with your heart, your trust, but be more careful with everyone else'. 

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." Ernest Hemingway 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

True Love

My last couple of posts have been lame to say the least. This one won't be eye opening for lots of people I'm sure. I know a lot of people will never have their opinion changed about this topic but I don't know if many people view this the same way as I do, so here we go.

One of the people I would love to meet the most in life and I look to a lot for inspiration, for perspective, for calm, is Marilyn Monroe.

I'll start off that saying I don't believe she committed suicide, and if she did, I don't think it was intentional, more a Heath Ledger incident.

Why do I look to her when Audrey is RIGHT there too? I love Audrey for different reasons, but I've always been drawn to Marilyn.

I think it started because I'm not an Audrey body type. I have curves, even at my thinnest I have hips and I have breasts. It's just my body and looking to Marilyn helped me accept that.

But it turned into a lot more than just her ability to rock the curves.

She has a history. She had experiences. She rose above all the obstacles life threw at her for 36 years. Sure she changed her name, she reinvented herself, but that just meant she got to create who she wanted to be. She was more than an actress on screen, she acted in her own life, she became her art.

Maybe that's pathetic or sad for some people. But the woman had a strong sense of self and was brilliant beyond her years. I think she had a lot more to say to the world about it but she bit her tongue because that's what she was to do. She wasn't a "blonde bimbo" and yes, she probably could have gotten any man she wanted, she had a few, but I think the main reason she couldn't, or rather, the men couldn't keep her was because they were intimated by her. She wasn't only gorgeous on the outside, beauty doesn't scare men, knowledge and power scares men off, and she had both.

She taught me that "It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far. " When I felt I had lost everything, the words she spoke so long ago meant something. And that's why she matters, not because she was a giant sex symbol, because she was vulnerable and showed the world she was vulnerable. She didn't hide behind strength, her strength was her ability to be open when being a woman and sharing thoughts and feeling still wasn't the norm. She was beautiful on the outside and the inside.

I don't deny she had troubles and I don't pretend she was perfection. But neither was Audrey. If I've learned anything in life so far it's that I don't want perfect and striving for perfect will only end badly. What's perfect is loving people for who they are-flaws and all. Marilyn helped teach  me that and it's a lesson I couldn't be more thankful for. Being able to love that way means you are open to the possibility of true love.

I will always be a Marilyn, it's just who I am. If you can't handle me at my worst, then you certainly don't deserve me at my best.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

New Year New Thoughts

So I have been quite busy lately, getting my life in order (or at least trying to) and there were a few things that I thought might be neat to blog about but I wasn't sure they would be appropriate.

I just Googled New Year Superstitions and why you are supposed to kiss someone at midnight...just because inquiring minds (okay, my inquiring mind) wanted to know.

This is the search that resulted.

So apparently because I had a midnight kiss I will not have to face 2012 with a lack of affection or with coldness.

I didn't have a kiss going into 2011 and my year may have been lacking in affection from the "love" side of things but with my friends I was blessed with so much affection.

Ringing in 2012 was not what I had expected, it was a remarkable evening and I'm glad I was able to start 2012 with a kiss. It helped give me perspective on some things that I hadn't thought of before. And if by chance it means more affection from the other sex, well, that's a toss up on good or bad at this point.

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.Emil Ludwig

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Less than a Week

I turn 24 on Friday and I can feel the usual birthday meltdown coming in small waves already.

Twenty-three was such a strange year and in some ways I'm looking forward to leaving it behind. I need to leave a lot of what went on in the past.

I'm scared for twenty-four though. It means another year I'm closer to being a quarter of a century old and another year of trying to figure out what I want to do before it's socially unacceptable for me to just not know.

Here's to my last 5 days as a 23 year old.

This seems appropriate:

"You make me chuckle when you say that you are no longer young, that you have turned twenty-four. A man is or may be young to after sixty, and not old before eighty."Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.