I've lived my life as a pessimistic optimist.
It's a term I've just designed for myself. It means as much as I have this faith in humans, in their hearts truly being good, somehow I start to doubt it, but even in my doubt, I end up hurt because I truly believe they're good.
I end up burned. I end up used. I end up wandering where my Prince Charming or Fairy Godmother is.
And then I realize, life isn't a fairy tale. Or rather, friends tell me that "Life's not a fairy tale Kathleen, get over it."
Yet, every time, something in me trusts that some day I'll get my happy ending. I don't know what it is. I don't know what in me continually sees a happy ending in the cards.
My whole life I grew up reading fairy tales, watching fairy tales, pretending I was in a fairy tale. More people than I can count have called me Princess, people I would never expect to call me anything, as a joke I put "Princess" on my Facebook page. Someone who has known me my entire life-watched me grow up once told my parents to let me know not to take it off.
Now, I should clarify, I wasn't spoiled growing up. I didn't want for the things I needed but if I wanted money I had to do chores, we weren't just given an allowance, we had to rake the leaves, clean the basement, vacuum and then we'd be paid.
It's not a nickname I've given myself, it's one that I have always remembered having, and maybe it's twisted how I want my life to look, maybe it's twisted how I believe people should act and be.
I have a fascination with fairy tales. Their origins, the true reason they were created, and how our world has changed them is amazing. They are a cultural phenomenon. Shaped by the people who created and adapted them for lessons and then just for entertainment.
But life isn't a fairy tale. They don't exist.
I'm continuously told this.
Growing up, every girl makes her checklist of what she wants in a boy. I made mine. And I thought perhaps, I had found my Prince Charming, I proceeded with caution. I proceeded because he was everything I had every dreamed of. Minus being honest, which I learned too late. This English Bloke I can't say has broken my heart but he's burned me like I never thought I could be burned because deep down my perfect mate was shattered. Ironically, I asked him once if he had attended Charm School and he once called me Sleeping Beauty and Princess.
Before Hogwarts, there were fairy tales, and the magic they held was more than anyone can comprehend, they've shaped my life. I'm not sure I can stop believing. I want to. I want to grow up for the first time in my existence I want to grow up. Maybe it's only after you grow up you have your fairy tale happily ever after.
“Classic fairy tales do not deny the existence of heartache and sorrow, but they do deny universal defeat.”
“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons
exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”