Sunday, February 27, 2011

Separation Anxiety

I dropped my mobile. For the umpteenth time. I knew I needed to upgrade but I really wanted to wait until the summer!

Now I am being forced to get a new one. AH! The decisions I need to make quickly because it's been 12 hours and I feel disconnected.

The worst is I know people are texting me I just cannot read them because my inbox is full and my phone needs to flip open to erase the full inbox. It's the inside screen that's broken! C'est terrible!

Now it's come down to Rogers or Telus. Iphone, Android, Blackberry. In reality getting a Blackberry will be cheapest. Every provider seems to think that's the best phone! I really hate Blackberries. Like I just don't think I can own one. I want an Iphone but I wanted an unlocked one from Apple. I don't have enough saved for that yet. :( Nor do I think I'm patient enough to wait for the Iphone to arrive!

My family is all with Rogers-well my brother, mother, father. I'm with Telus just paying month to month right now since my contract ended with them in August.

There is just so much to consider to keep myself "connected" these days.

AND if I go with Iphone is it the Iphone3 or Iphone4. I want the newest one right? But everyone likes the curved corners of the 3 better. Oooh boy.

I also wish I could take care of this today. And not be going to work.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Not over. Just moved on.

I've been overly busy the last two months. It's both good and bad. Multiple times things have crossed my mind to update but someone asked me recently "Are you over him yet?" in reference to my ex-boyfriend.

I honestly didn't have a straight answer. I shrugged it off. Made it seem like my grieving process over the relationship was finished. But no relationship ends. Whether romantic or not without leaving scars and those scars prove that the process is never finished. We take them with us into our future and are reminded of how things occurred in the past.

So am I "over" a person I still to this day love? Who for a long time I was in love with? No.

I'm not "over" any failed relationship. But I've moved on from them. I've noticed patterns and am trying to change those patterns. Not myself but recognizing faults in how I react and deal isn't changing my core. It's creating a stronger sense of self. It's creating strength out of misery instead of just being miserable.

I can get out of bed now. I can hear his name without holding back tears. I can reflect on the good and the bad and realize we were young and naive. And I can process what I don't want in a relationship anymore. And the essentials I absolutely must have.

But no, I'm not over him. I didn't build a bridge and leave him behind. I carry what he taught me everyday, even if I don't think about him or it everyday. But I've moved on. That's all there is to do.

You can sink or swim. I'm a water baby. I only had one choice. Well no, I tried to sink. But my flotation devices around me were too buoyant and kept me afloat until I got so close to drowning that natural human survival instinct kicked in.

I've never stopped loving him and I won't. I truly believe if you love someone you always do. Even if you can't express that. It doesn't change how you feel or how you want them to succeed and be happy.

That's all that matters in it all. That I can still love at the end and have people I do love and who kept me afloat long enough to save me.