Saturday, February 26, 2011

Not over. Just moved on.

I've been overly busy the last two months. It's both good and bad. Multiple times things have crossed my mind to update but someone asked me recently "Are you over him yet?" in reference to my ex-boyfriend.

I honestly didn't have a straight answer. I shrugged it off. Made it seem like my grieving process over the relationship was finished. But no relationship ends. Whether romantic or not without leaving scars and those scars prove that the process is never finished. We take them with us into our future and are reminded of how things occurred in the past.

So am I "over" a person I still to this day love? Who for a long time I was in love with? No.

I'm not "over" any failed relationship. But I've moved on from them. I've noticed patterns and am trying to change those patterns. Not myself but recognizing faults in how I react and deal isn't changing my core. It's creating a stronger sense of self. It's creating strength out of misery instead of just being miserable.

I can get out of bed now. I can hear his name without holding back tears. I can reflect on the good and the bad and realize we were young and naive. And I can process what I don't want in a relationship anymore. And the essentials I absolutely must have.

But no, I'm not over him. I didn't build a bridge and leave him behind. I carry what he taught me everyday, even if I don't think about him or it everyday. But I've moved on. That's all there is to do.

You can sink or swim. I'm a water baby. I only had one choice. Well no, I tried to sink. But my flotation devices around me were too buoyant and kept me afloat until I got so close to drowning that natural human survival instinct kicked in.

I've never stopped loving him and I won't. I truly believe if you love someone you always do. Even if you can't express that. It doesn't change how you feel or how you want them to succeed and be happy.

That's all that matters in it all. That I can still love at the end and have people I do love and who kept me afloat long enough to save me.

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