Sunday, June 2, 2013

Reach Out

Onto another Moksha Pillar.

I'm not sure there is an exact reason why I chose to do "Reach Out" for my second big project. I think maybe it has to do with just keeping momentum and needing to jump back in.

This is not going to be an easy journey for me, I want to be upfront and very honest about that.

Previous to yesterday, I had not seen my grandfather since August 9th, 2011 the night before I made a big life change.

Seeing him yesterday, sum it up? Ball of emotion. Before, During, After.

And likely that will be the case every time I visit. But sometimes, it's not about us, sometimes life is challenging in ways we never expected, never wanted and that means we have no clue where to go forward. The only thing to do is take a deep breathe and let the stories go.

I almost bailed on my own plan for this project, I don't think I'm ready to face this, face my grandfather who isn't really my grandfather in a lot of ways anymore.

I cried in the car driving to the home, cried in the car trying to get ready to go in, cried in the elevator up to his floor, cried while visiting, cried when leaving and have cried various times since for a variety of reasons.

But the first visit. The first time in almost two years of seeing my grandfather. I did it and my aversion is still so so strong but know what I learned? He's still there and I think I got my eyes from him.

Let me go back for a minute, I have a lot of trouble looking people in the eyes but yesterday I looked into my grandpa's eyes, saw him and saw him in me.

We had a conversation. He may have struggled. More than I can even tell I'm sure to get the fairly mumbled short sentences out but small conversations. He knew what he was talking about when he was talking about it and I know he recognized me. He may not know my name but he knew who I was. He smiled and I smiled.

And when the lady tried to get past his wheelchair and I had to move him so she could fit but then started talking to me (which by the way was heartbreaking for other reasons. She told me she was tossed aside and no one loved her. And my heart broke) I could see his annoyance in her being in his space, in being in his way.

When I eventually left-my visit was probably close to 45 minutes-giving my Shorty a kiss on the top of his head and leaving him there made my heart break. He looked at me though, after I walked away, he watched me at the elevator and waved me back over. He then stated very clearly to me "Don't hang out here" and I told him I was heading home and he asked how I was getting home and I told him I was driving and held up the car keys, giving him a kiss again and heading back to the elevator.

He's still here and I think that makes this that much harder than I had originally anticipated but more motivated because he needs to know he wasn't tossed aside and how much he is loved.

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