My mind has been very unfocused today. Actually, my mind has been too focused on a situation I find myself in that I was in once before. One that nearly killed my best friend, ruined friendships, changed lives and controlled everyone's life for a very long time. For some the control is still continuing. For me, it's always there and has made me hyper aware to my own body issues, as well as to how my friends, family, the media and the world look at "health" and the human body. My best friend when I was a teenager struggled and probably still struggles since Eating Disorders are diseases and don't go away. They are dealt with day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute with every sip and chew a person takes, with every step or push-up. The constant need to be thin and control that one thing in life to make things seem ago is ever present. Now being a 20-something my best friend is starting her battle it seems to me and she's an Ocean away. When I was a teenager dealing with this, it was new, I didn't know exactly what I was facing, I didn't realize the toll it would take on me, on my other best friend, on my relationships outside of the ED. It's not a simple solution and never knowing if your best friend is going to make it to her 16th, 17th, 18th birthday makes you go a bit crazy yourself. It puts so much strain on your relationship and making life or death decisions about who to tell and how to help makes you grow up in ways faster and stunts you in other ways. Anorexia, bulimia, exercise anorexia, and all the combination's in between scare me to no end. I worry when my own self-esteem drops and I worry about gaining weight. I worry when I try on clothes and they don't fit me like they did the week before. I worry that I will fall into the disease and watch my friends and family watch me die slowly because I can't see myself the way they do. I worry when I look in the mirror and see someone different from what the truth is.