True Love

My last couple of posts have been lame to say the least. This one won't be eye opening for lots of people I'm sure. I know a lot of people will never have their opinion changed about this topic but I don't know if many people view this the same way as I do, so here we go.

One of the people I would love to meet the most in life and I look to a lot for inspiration, for perspective, for calm, is Marilyn Monroe.

I'll start off that saying I don't believe she committed suicide, and if she did, I don't think it was intentional, more a Heath Ledger incident.

Why do I look to her when Audrey is RIGHT there too? I love Audrey for different reasons, but I've always been drawn to Marilyn.

I think it started because I'm not an Audrey body type. I have curves, even at my thinnest I have hips and I have breasts. It's just my body and looking to Marilyn helped me accept that.

But it turned into a lot more than just her ability to rock the curves.

She has a history. She had experiences. She rose above all the obstacles life threw at her for 36 years. Sure she changed her name, she reinvented herself, but that just meant she got to create who she wanted to be. She was more than an actress on screen, she acted in her own life, she became her art.

Maybe that's pathetic or sad for some people. But the woman had a strong sense of self and was brilliant beyond her years. I think she had a lot more to say to the world about it but she bit her tongue because that's what she was to do. She wasn't a "blonde bimbo" and yes, she probably could have gotten any man she wanted, she had a few, but I think the main reason she couldn't, or rather, the men couldn't keep her was because they were intimated by her. She wasn't only gorgeous on the outside, beauty doesn't scare men, knowledge and power scares men off, and she had both.


She taught me that "It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far. " When I felt I had lost everything, the words she spoke so long ago meant something. And that's why she matters, not because she was a giant sex symbol, because she was vulnerable and showed the world she was vulnerable. She didn't hide behind strength, her strength was her ability to be open when being a woman and sharing thoughts and feeling still wasn't the norm. She was beautiful on the outside and the inside.


I don't deny she had troubles and I don't pretend she was perfection. But neither was Audrey. If I've learned anything in life so far it's that I don't want perfect and striving for perfect will only end badly. What's perfect is loving people for who they are-flaws and all. Marilyn helped teach  me that and it's a lesson I couldn't be more thankful for. Being able to love that way means you are open to the possibility of true love.

I will always be a Marilyn, it's just who I am. If you can't handle me at my worst, then you certainly don't deserve me at my best.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

New Year New Thoughts

So I have been quite busy lately, getting my life in order (or at least trying to) and there were a few things that I thought might be neat to blog about but I wasn't sure they would be appropriate.

I just Googled New Year Superstitions and why you are supposed to kiss someone at midnight...just because inquiring minds (okay, my inquiring mind) wanted to know.

This is the search that resulted.

So apparently because I had a midnight kiss I will not have to face 2012 with a lack of affection or with coldness.

I didn't have a kiss going into 2011 and my year may have been lacking in affection from the "love" side of things but with my friends I was blessed with so much affection.

Ringing in 2012 was not what I had expected, it was a remarkable evening and I'm glad I was able to start 2012 with a kiss. It helped give me perspective on some things that I hadn't thought of before. And if by chance it means more affection from the other sex, well, that's a toss up on good or bad at this point.


“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.” Emil Ludwig

Less than a Week

I turn 24 on Friday and I can feel the usual birthday meltdown coming in small waves already.

Twenty-three was such a strange year and in some ways I'm looking forward to leaving it behind. I need to leave a lot of what went on in the past.

I'm scared for twenty-four though. It means another year I'm closer to being a quarter of a century old and another year of trying to figure out what I want to do before it's socially unacceptable for me to just not know.


Here's to my last 5 days as a 23 year old.

This seems appropriate:

"You make me chuckle when you say that you are no longer young, that you have turned twenty-four. A man is or may be young to after sixty, and not old before eighty."Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Christmas Eve's Eve

So it is currently the beginning of Christmas Eve's Eve in my hometown and will be here in Vancouver in approximately an hour and half at the start of this blog post.

Christmas Eve's Eve doesn't get the attention it deserves and quite frankly, sometimes the 23rd of December does a lot for last minute shopper's, those who need to bake goods, and final prep for the big day, since usually Christmas Eve has some sort of family and/or friend Christmas activity.

So this is my props to Christmas Eve's Eve!

Enjoy your last minute scrambling and send out some Happy Christmas Eve's Eve wishes to those you know who might need a bit of extra help.

Happy Christmas Eve's Eve from me to you!

And Happy Christmas Eve's Eve from Shrimpy!

Phobic Insomnia

It is 3am and I really should be asleep.

Not only was I almost asleep at work around 9:30pm but I was doing the head bob on the bus ride home after 1am...and now I'm wide awake.

So then, why am I awake and writing a blog post?

Because I walked into my apartment to my lovely Shrimp playing with a mouse. Immediately my body seized up and I started to cry.

The joy of a rodent phobia.

[Note: I tried to look up actual mouse photos but the images were too much so I reverted to the safe mice of my time]

I love Shrimp but his cat nature to play with his food before he kills it...not so much.

I shrieked and ran into my bedroom where I am now trapped because not only did he not kill it but he let it get away and I don't know what to do. The thought of this critter running around my apartment is driving me nuts, making me want to vomit, and taking everything in me to not just leave and sit outside.

Yes, it's that bad folks.

SO let's look at Wikipedia's definition of a phobia:  A phobia (from the Greek: φόβος, Phóbos, meaning "fear" or "morbid fear") is a type of anxiety disorder, usually defined as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress and significant interference in social or occupational activities 

I'm not 100% sure when or how I developed this phobia but gosh durn it needs to go away. Or Shrimp needs to do his job. :(

So the fear of rodents/mice has 3 different names apparently. AND the first person to treat someone with this became phobic of them herself!! Crazy!!  

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear." --- H.P. Lovecraft

And just because Coleridge makes me happy, "In politics, what begins in fear usually ends in folly."- Coleridge

Super Hiatus Over!

For no reason at all I took a huge break from blogging at the exact moment I was doing a good job at staying on top of it. ;) I think partly because I wasn't sure what to write about. So let's wing this one. One of my friends linked to this article/blog recently and I see so much truth in it for myself but maybe it'll be helpful for other people as well. So why not go through their brilliance and kick off posting again with a BANG!

I will go through Marc's points but add my own commentary from experience (His commentary is super great so please read the original!!!) 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

1.Stop spending time with the wrong people. The truth behind this statement for life is undeniable. It's that one thing I'm sure we've all said in the back out of our heads about someone or a group of someones in our life and yet, we keep going back to them. The problem is how do you stop doing it? At one point, I literally told my best friend that we just couldn't have contact or talk because we were constantly fighting and hurting each other. That needed to end, but instead of talking it out, I threw her into this category. Lesson learned: Know that there are people you DON'T need and that you don't matter too and then take this step. Don't throw away someone who loves you just because it's the "quick fix" in the long run it hurts so much more.

2. Stop running from your problems. Oh hey, for a long time this was my biggest problem in life. Yes, at times I fall into old habits and do this but I also learned the hard way that say...moving to another country doesn't make your problems go away. They get bigger and harder to deal with. I was accused of doing this in my move to Vancouver, and maybe in part moving was running from certain problems but in a way I knew the problems I needed to fix could only be fixed by moving, getting distance and learning about myself and how strong I can be when people allow me to be myself and face things alone. I love Prince Charming's but I am not a weak little Princess. I am pretty awesome and facing my problems has made me that way. So stop running, stand up and look your troubles in the eye. You can't move forward until you do.

3. Stop lying to yourself. I don't think I do. I'm pretty aware of who I am and what I'm capable of. Maybe that's me lying to myself again about my self-awareness.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner Super guilty of this one. Mostly because I don't know what I need a lot of the time, so it's easier for me not to think about it (oh hey #2) and just put my effort into someone else's dreams and passions. I love with all I have so I want those in my life to be happy.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not I find the problem with this for me, is I'm not exactly sure who I am, which means I just have to go with my gut and what feels right for me. If someone has a problem with that then that's their problem not mine. Doesn't mean I don't struggle and compare myself to what other people my age are doing, or what some other girl looks like but I'm aware of it and try to stop the thinking before it gets to wound up.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. 100% guilty. I can't change it even if it's changed me. It's just so hard to let go of some things. The past does make you who you are at this moment in time.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. I think I am finally over this one. I also pretty much know when I'm making mistakes now. I'd much rather live without regrets of doing things and doing them wrong than not acting and missing out.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. This is hard. I can accept my knew mistakes but this goes back to #6. There are mistakes I made in the past that my entire life would be different without them. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about where I am right now, so I guess that's the real issue.

9.Stop trying to buy happiness. Was super guilty of this. Still am at times. But I also think spending some money for experiences isn't bad. Things maybe not so much, but going on vacation with someone you love, sure you can't buy the love you have with them, but there are memories to be made on that vacation. I don't know. Money isn't everything but I know how stressful worrying about having enough is.

10.Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness Pretty much screwed for this one. ;)

11.Stop being idle. This one for me seems off. I think sometimes my problem is I act TOO much, I try TOO hard, I'm not idle enough to let the world work its magic...

12.Stop thinking you’re not ready. Point and shoot true. And remember, if you weren't and don't succeed, it's okay to make mistakes. #7

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. Not sure you can call the last 2.5 years relationships. But yeah, wrong reasons for some. Right for others that turned into weird situations. Nothing can be forced. And really if you are doing this then you're probably doing #10 too.

14.Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. I don't really have anything to say to this. Recent events had me accept something new to learn it wasn't the full truth. So accept things as they are.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. I think this could be a sub-point for #5 but it's totally valid to be on it's own since we live in such a competitive world. Just be the best you there is. I keep telling myself that for certain goals. We in ourselves are enough competition without taking on the other 7 billion out there.

16. Stop being jealous of others. This is a hard one because I don't see what I have that other people could want. The pessimist in me...grass is greener type of thinking. Ergo, a big one to work on.

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. I don't really feel sorry for myself. I do complain a lot. But I'm completely aware when doing so that I'm really the only one who can change my actions. I'm not sure I agree that a lot of the horrible things I've gone through have made me stronger or led me to a better place. Mostly, I end up worst off than before. I've just accepted that.

18. Stop holding grudges This used to be HUGE for me, but all the wasted energy was not worth it. I can easily move forward now (I'm not saying I forget I just don't hold all the negativity inside, I let it go)

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level I'm getting better at this. I've still got some 16 year old girl in me though. ;)

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. I stopped doing this a long time ago. If people love me and know me they don't need the explaining and if they don't care to know me they don't deserve it.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. I'm not sure how to break my cycles I've created. Even my "breaks" are cycles and not good ones.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments I don't do this anymore. I did for a very very long time but the small moments get me through now.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. I don't believe in perfect, I just believe in happy, happy is being happy when things aren't perfect because the imperfections are beauty.

24.Stop following the path of least resistance. Super guilty. I don't like failure. Failure is different to me than mistakes. Failing scares me.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. Super guilty again. I just think people get tired of me not being fine so it's easier to just act like its fine.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles I think I do the extreme opposite of this. My troubles and everyone's mistakes are my fault. Hmm....

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone I don't do this. I can't be everything to everyone.

28. Stop worrying so much Guilty! It's part of my nature but I'm working on it. I'm trying to find what I worry about the most and change how I think about it.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. Oh the power of positive thought. What have you gotten me into lately? For real. I mean it works but not always in the way you expect. Just be ready to deal with any unexpected outcomes of what you want.

30. Stop being ungrateful Another big one for me to work on.

So those are my thoughts/experiences in a nutshell with Marc's brilliant list. Hopefully, going into 2012 I can improve a bit more. I'm sure I've got some years to work on it. :)

"I've never dropped anyone I believed in" Marilyn Monroe.

Remember, Remember The Fifth of November!

Today is November 5th, and it's been far too long since I wrote. That being said, It's Guy Fawkes day! Whoohoo The day we remember the Gunpowder plot where Guy tried to overthrow the king in Britain. I was a ninny in first year and headed home after a long day of field studies instead of hitting up some awesome bonfires BUT I've always remembered the 5th of November since. Good movies to watch today (if I wasn't working after school. Shhh I'm not writing this in class) include V for Vendetta (2008) and Guy Fawkes (1923). I would love to curl up with some tea and watch Vendetta tonight. Maybe in the near future! There really aren't any other movies out there which is a shame and a topic best for film tackles. . They look really good actually. I'd watch! Here's a YouTube Video for a quick run down of the history.

And a photo from the exhibit at The Tower of London. So, let's remember, remember the 5th of November today. Maybe we can learn something and create change in our own world by remembering the plot and passion.