Time Marches On

It's been too long.

So much has happened and yet it feels as if nothing at all has occurred.

Currently, I'm listening to Middle of Nowhere by Selena Gomez and riding the VIA to Montreal for more yoga training. And I'm scared to death. More scared than I remember being in a long time.

It's hard to put an exact time on it but these last 2-3 years have been hard and I know a lot of people close to me are worried. They express concern, sent encouragement, and walk on egg-shells.

Ya know that picture of your life you create growing up?

It feels as if I'm as far from that picture than I ever have been before. Because I got out and then regressed. Living in my childhood home, less money in my bank account than when I was 16, fewer job prospects and passion, desire, drive that is stagnating.

Please, don't get me wrong. Teaching yoga. Practicing yoga. The connections I've made over the past few years have been life changing, inspiring and keep me going.

But I have gotten very lost along the way.

And I may be at the breaking point. I keep telling myself that's okay, it's okay that for the next week as I struggle in my yoga practice, struggle in learning about anatomy, struggle in having roommates, that it is okay to break down. It's okay to feel what I'm feeling.

My life has been built of suppressing and repressing despite my nature of living with my heart on my sleeve. Smiling at strangers. Laughing to myself on walks. Seeing the storm clouds roll in and watching with amazement and in stunned silence at the beauty of the storm.

I moved home from a journey I never intended to come back from.

Vancouver has a part of myself that I struggle with wanting back and wanting to just move forward...

After I got home one of my good friends came over for a catch up, she'd had a really rough year while I was gone, and yet she could see something I hadn't even acknowledged, and I'm paraphrasing, but she mentioned how I seemed harder, less likely to laugh, smile, and this is  my interpretation, that my spark had gone out.

She could not have been more right. That was over 2 years ago and I'm not sure it's back yet, but it's flickering. The embers just need some oxygen.

I'm going forward, the pressure that in my life, the stress, the anxiety, my inability to breathe deep, my aversion to practicing yoga, the fear of not being good enough, my broken relationships, all of this is going to turn me into a diamond. And diamond's are a girl's best friend.

And if I don't become a diamond, well, I'll still be okay, because as Leonard Cohen said, "there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

Triangle of Health

I'm a big believer in being healthy-mind, body, and soul.

Sometimes though it's hard to have the stars align though and have your mental health, match up with your physical health, and spiritual health.

And oh boy, am I struggling with being physically healthy.

It's not that I can't make it happen, lose the weight I need, build the muscle properly, eat right, etc. I am capable. I can do it.

What is happening is the fear of past mistakes, past mishaps.

Mentally and spiritually I am a place I don't think I could have imagined, a year, two year, three years ago. And I am scared to give up that happiness I've struggled to attain, through all sorts of drama, through situations that should never have occurred, and through my own mind.

Going backwards is a huge fear I have, and I think a lot of people have, yet we dwell in the past, look to the future and leave the present passing us by.

So, slow and steady, maintaining control and letting go when I can't control, small changes and I'll move forward, regain the "body" I had, and in the end be better for it. Why? Because I won't be the militant miserable girl who I used to be when I did it before, but I'll be able to recognize my progress, celebrate the small victories, and teach myself how to maintain this for my life.

Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.

                                                                       -Carl Jung

Revelation

To say that 2012 hasn't been eye-opening, enlightening and a huge year for me at the start of its 4th month would be an understatement.

Alas, we don't choose (wholly) which years impact our lives the most, who comes into our lives and who leaves and I'd be lying if I said as wonderful as it's been there have been some very hard realities about life and myself I've had to face.

The bright side? It gave me a blog topic. ;)

This weekend I've been having a Dawson's Creek marathon. A bit ago I had a Ringer marathon. In December, I watched all the season's of Gilmore Girls.

When life gets hard for me, I turn to television, and more importantly television I watched when I was young, that meant something to me then.

I always wanted to be like Rory, have her mother and her boyfriends, and her life. She knew herself and she always held onto that. But she still allowed herself to change and grow and try new things.

Dawson's Creek will always bring me back to grade 4 and my best friends and I discussing it and using it in projects. And my secret hope that someday I'd be Joey and my best friend would realize he loved me.

I don't typically watch oodles and oodles of television and I love reading. I was the kid who walked home reading a book-walked into many a pole that way- I still carry a book with me when I leave my house. But when things get rough now, I don't read.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but slowly I've come to realize that the real reason I do it-and I think the world does it-is because television, movies, they make you feel different than reading. Reading touches people deeper, forces them to feel their own emotions because there's no laugh track, no visible person crying in pain, the subtexts and subtleties of books is raw emotion, and as humans we can't deal with that. We run away to fantasy worlds on screens where we can laugh and just chalk it up to "television."

Even in the most fantastical books there's always some truth, the revenge, the lust, the love, the fear, is real, even if the creatures can't be.

Or perhaps, I'm just philosophizing and books/television/movies all provide the same escape.


“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.” 
                                                                           -Charles William Eliot

Phobic Insomnia

It is 3am and I really should be asleep.

Not only was I almost asleep at work around 9:30pm but I was doing the head bob on the bus ride home after 1am...and now I'm wide awake.

So then, why am I awake and writing a blog post?

Because I walked into my apartment to my lovely Shrimp playing with a mouse. Immediately my body seized up and I started to cry.

The joy of a rodent phobia.

[Note: I tried to look up actual mouse photos but the images were too much so I reverted to the safe mice of my time]

I love Shrimp but his cat nature to play with his food before he kills it...not so much.

I shrieked and ran into my bedroom where I am now trapped because not only did he not kill it but he let it get away and I don't know what to do. The thought of this critter running around my apartment is driving me nuts, making me want to vomit, and taking everything in me to not just leave and sit outside.

Yes, it's that bad folks.

SO let's look at Wikipedia's definition of a phobia:  A phobia (from the Greek: φόβος, Phóbos, meaning "fear" or "morbid fear") is a type of anxiety disorder, usually defined as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress and significant interference in social or occupational activities 

I'm not 100% sure when or how I developed this phobia but gosh durn it needs to go away. Or Shrimp needs to do his job. :(

So the fear of rodents/mice has 3 different names apparently. AND the first person to treat someone with this became phobic of them herself!! Crazy!!  

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear." --- H.P. Lovecraft

And just because Coleridge makes me happy, "In politics, what begins in fear usually ends in folly."- Coleridge

Super Hiatus Over!

For no reason at all I took a huge break from blogging at the exact moment I was doing a good job at staying on top of it. ;) I think partly because I wasn't sure what to write about. So let's wing this one. One of my friends linked to this article/blog recently and I see so much truth in it for myself but maybe it'll be helpful for other people as well. So why not go through their brilliance and kick off posting again with a BANG!

I will go through Marc's points but add my own commentary from experience (His commentary is super great so please read the original!!!) 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

1.Stop spending time with the wrong people. The truth behind this statement for life is undeniable. It's that one thing I'm sure we've all said in the back out of our heads about someone or a group of someones in our life and yet, we keep going back to them. The problem is how do you stop doing it? At one point, I literally told my best friend that we just couldn't have contact or talk because we were constantly fighting and hurting each other. That needed to end, but instead of talking it out, I threw her into this category. Lesson learned: Know that there are people you DON'T need and that you don't matter too and then take this step. Don't throw away someone who loves you just because it's the "quick fix" in the long run it hurts so much more.

2. Stop running from your problems. Oh hey, for a long time this was my biggest problem in life. Yes, at times I fall into old habits and do this but I also learned the hard way that say...moving to another country doesn't make your problems go away. They get bigger and harder to deal with. I was accused of doing this in my move to Vancouver, and maybe in part moving was running from certain problems but in a way I knew the problems I needed to fix could only be fixed by moving, getting distance and learning about myself and how strong I can be when people allow me to be myself and face things alone. I love Prince Charming's but I am not a weak little Princess. I am pretty awesome and facing my problems has made me that way. So stop running, stand up and look your troubles in the eye. You can't move forward until you do.

3. Stop lying to yourself. I don't think I do. I'm pretty aware of who I am and what I'm capable of. Maybe that's me lying to myself again about my self-awareness.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner Super guilty of this one. Mostly because I don't know what I need a lot of the time, so it's easier for me not to think about it (oh hey #2) and just put my effort into someone else's dreams and passions. I love with all I have so I want those in my life to be happy.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not I find the problem with this for me, is I'm not exactly sure who I am, which means I just have to go with my gut and what feels right for me. If someone has a problem with that then that's their problem not mine. Doesn't mean I don't struggle and compare myself to what other people my age are doing, or what some other girl looks like but I'm aware of it and try to stop the thinking before it gets to wound up.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. 100% guilty. I can't change it even if it's changed me. It's just so hard to let go of some things. The past does make you who you are at this moment in time.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. I think I am finally over this one. I also pretty much know when I'm making mistakes now. I'd much rather live without regrets of doing things and doing them wrong than not acting and missing out.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. This is hard. I can accept my knew mistakes but this goes back to #6. There are mistakes I made in the past that my entire life would be different without them. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about where I am right now, so I guess that's the real issue.

9.Stop trying to buy happiness. Was super guilty of this. Still am at times. But I also think spending some money for experiences isn't bad. Things maybe not so much, but going on vacation with someone you love, sure you can't buy the love you have with them, but there are memories to be made on that vacation. I don't know. Money isn't everything but I know how stressful worrying about having enough is.

10.Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness Pretty much screwed for this one. ;)

11.Stop being idle. This one for me seems off. I think sometimes my problem is I act TOO much, I try TOO hard, I'm not idle enough to let the world work its magic...

12.Stop thinking you’re not ready. Point and shoot true. And remember, if you weren't and don't succeed, it's okay to make mistakes. #7

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. Not sure you can call the last 2.5 years relationships. But yeah, wrong reasons for some. Right for others that turned into weird situations. Nothing can be forced. And really if you are doing this then you're probably doing #10 too.

14.Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. I don't really have anything to say to this. Recent events had me accept something new to learn it wasn't the full truth. So accept things as they are.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. I think this could be a sub-point for #5 but it's totally valid to be on it's own since we live in such a competitive world. Just be the best you there is. I keep telling myself that for certain goals. We in ourselves are enough competition without taking on the other 7 billion out there.

16. Stop being jealous of others. This is a hard one because I don't see what I have that other people could want. The pessimist in me...grass is greener type of thinking. Ergo, a big one to work on.

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. I don't really feel sorry for myself. I do complain a lot. But I'm completely aware when doing so that I'm really the only one who can change my actions. I'm not sure I agree that a lot of the horrible things I've gone through have made me stronger or led me to a better place. Mostly, I end up worst off than before. I've just accepted that.

18. Stop holding grudges This used to be HUGE for me, but all the wasted energy was not worth it. I can easily move forward now (I'm not saying I forget I just don't hold all the negativity inside, I let it go)

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level I'm getting better at this. I've still got some 16 year old girl in me though. ;)

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. I stopped doing this a long time ago. If people love me and know me they don't need the explaining and if they don't care to know me they don't deserve it.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. I'm not sure how to break my cycles I've created. Even my "breaks" are cycles and not good ones.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments I don't do this anymore. I did for a very very long time but the small moments get me through now.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. I don't believe in perfect, I just believe in happy, happy is being happy when things aren't perfect because the imperfections are beauty.

24.Stop following the path of least resistance. Super guilty. I don't like failure. Failure is different to me than mistakes. Failing scares me.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. Super guilty again. I just think people get tired of me not being fine so it's easier to just act like its fine.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles I think I do the extreme opposite of this. My troubles and everyone's mistakes are my fault. Hmm....

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone I don't do this. I can't be everything to everyone.

28. Stop worrying so much Guilty! It's part of my nature but I'm working on it. I'm trying to find what I worry about the most and change how I think about it.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. Oh the power of positive thought. What have you gotten me into lately? For real. I mean it works but not always in the way you expect. Just be ready to deal with any unexpected outcomes of what you want.

30. Stop being ungrateful Another big one for me to work on.

So those are my thoughts/experiences in a nutshell with Marc's brilliant list. Hopefully, going into 2012 I can improve a bit more. I'm sure I've got some years to work on it. :)

"I've never dropped anyone I believed in" Marilyn Monroe.