Second visit with Grandpa today and I didn't stay very long.
It went...as well as a visit can go at this point?
He was having a good day Saturday. Today, he didn't know who I was, he kept picking at his skin and seemed annoyed.
So I sat with him for 10-15 minutes, gave him a kiss, and then left him to just be.
It was easier to force myself to get there but not easy to go inside, not easy to see my delightful and hilarious Grandfather so sombre and uncertain, and not easy to hear him say he didn't know me and I wasn't his granddaughter.
But none of that is his fault and he still deserves all the love, time and attention he gave to me.
I won't be able to get there for the next few days but Friday it's on my list. Hopefully, he'll be having a good day but regardless I'll be there.
Showing posts with label dementia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dementia. Show all posts
Monday, June 3, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Reach Out
Onto another Moksha Pillar.
I'm not sure there is an exact reason why I chose to do "Reach Out" for my second big project. I think maybe it has to do with just keeping momentum and needing to jump back in.
This is not going to be an easy journey for me, I want to be upfront and very honest about that.
Previous to yesterday, I had not seen my grandfather since August 9th, 2011 the night before I made a big life change.
Seeing him yesterday, sum it up? Ball of emotion. Before, During, After.
And likely that will be the case every time I visit. But sometimes, it's not about us, sometimes life is challenging in ways we never expected, never wanted and that means we have no clue where to go forward. The only thing to do is take a deep breathe and let the stories go.
I almost bailed on my own plan for this project, I don't think I'm ready to face this, face my grandfather who isn't really my grandfather in a lot of ways anymore.
I cried in the car driving to the home, cried in the car trying to get ready to go in, cried in the elevator up to his floor, cried while visiting, cried when leaving and have cried various times since for a variety of reasons.
But the first visit. The first time in almost two years of seeing my grandfather. I did it and my aversion is still so so strong but know what I learned? He's still there and I think I got my eyes from him.
Let me go back for a minute, I have a lot of trouble looking people in the eyes but yesterday I looked into my grandpa's eyes, saw him and saw him in me.
We had a conversation. He may have struggled. More than I can even tell I'm sure to get the fairly mumbled short sentences out but small conversations. He knew what he was talking about when he was talking about it and I know he recognized me. He may not know my name but he knew who I was. He smiled and I smiled.
And when the lady tried to get past his wheelchair and I had to move him so she could fit but then started talking to me (which by the way was heartbreaking for other reasons. She told me she was tossed aside and no one loved her. And my heart broke) I could see his annoyance in her being in his space, in being in his way.
When I eventually left-my visit was probably close to 45 minutes-giving my Shorty a kiss on the top of his head and leaving him there made my heart break. He looked at me though, after I walked away, he watched me at the elevator and waved me back over. He then stated very clearly to me "Don't hang out here" and I told him I was heading home and he asked how I was getting home and I told him I was driving and held up the car keys, giving him a kiss again and heading back to the elevator.
He's still here and I think that makes this that much harder than I had originally anticipated but more motivated because he needs to know he wasn't tossed aside and how much he is loved.
I'm not sure there is an exact reason why I chose to do "Reach Out" for my second big project. I think maybe it has to do with just keeping momentum and needing to jump back in.
This is not going to be an easy journey for me, I want to be upfront and very honest about that.
Previous to yesterday, I had not seen my grandfather since August 9th, 2011 the night before I made a big life change.
Seeing him yesterday, sum it up? Ball of emotion. Before, During, After.
And likely that will be the case every time I visit. But sometimes, it's not about us, sometimes life is challenging in ways we never expected, never wanted and that means we have no clue where to go forward. The only thing to do is take a deep breathe and let the stories go.
I almost bailed on my own plan for this project, I don't think I'm ready to face this, face my grandfather who isn't really my grandfather in a lot of ways anymore.
I cried in the car driving to the home, cried in the car trying to get ready to go in, cried in the elevator up to his floor, cried while visiting, cried when leaving and have cried various times since for a variety of reasons.
But the first visit. The first time in almost two years of seeing my grandfather. I did it and my aversion is still so so strong but know what I learned? He's still there and I think I got my eyes from him.
Let me go back for a minute, I have a lot of trouble looking people in the eyes but yesterday I looked into my grandpa's eyes, saw him and saw him in me.
We had a conversation. He may have struggled. More than I can even tell I'm sure to get the fairly mumbled short sentences out but small conversations. He knew what he was talking about when he was talking about it and I know he recognized me. He may not know my name but he knew who I was. He smiled and I smiled.
And when the lady tried to get past his wheelchair and I had to move him so she could fit but then started talking to me (which by the way was heartbreaking for other reasons. She told me she was tossed aside and no one loved her. And my heart broke) I could see his annoyance in her being in his space, in being in his way.
When I eventually left-my visit was probably close to 45 minutes-giving my Shorty a kiss on the top of his head and leaving him there made my heart break. He looked at me though, after I walked away, he watched me at the elevator and waved me back over. He then stated very clearly to me "Don't hang out here" and I told him I was heading home and he asked how I was getting home and I told him I was driving and held up the car keys, giving him a kiss again and heading back to the elevator.
He's still here and I think that makes this that much harder than I had originally anticipated but more motivated because he needs to know he wasn't tossed aside and how much he is loved.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Kat's Table
I am so punny.
I semi-impromptu attended an event held by the Vancouver International Writer's Festival this evening. I say semi-impromptu because I had looked into attending a few weeks ago but then with life the event slipped my mind.
I'm so glad I remembered though!
Tonight I heard Micheal Ondaatje read from his new novel "The Cat's Table" and then have a nice q&a and book signing.
The event didn't quite start at 7:30 as the start time promised but that's what happens with these sort of things!
I sat alone but had lovely discussions with the folks around me. The lady to my right told me I looked "very avant garde" and "Very French." I was wearing my Banana Republic Beige Trench and my Paris beret! Oh la la!
But back to the event, it took place at St. Andrew's Wesley Church on Nelson Street @ Burrard. The church was pretty big and it was packed!!!
As Ondaatje read from his new novel in his authoritatively soothing voice the audience laughed at appropriate times.
When the question period began he remarked "I have to think and talk at the same time?"
Although, Ondaatje took the ship in the 50s from Sri Lanka to England just as his character Micheal did, he does not remember the journey and so was able to invent it.
The title "The Cat's Table" came about while he was having a phone conversation with someone in Germany who remarked she had been sat at the cat's table. Ondaatje had to ask what it was and his phone partner explained it was the worst table at an event. For a while it seemed to hold the novel together for him.
The audience question period went fairly well despite the acoustics in the church weren't all that great (odd for a church) and the one person who felt they needed to hear themselves talk and told an exceptionally long story that wasn't relevant to The Cat's Table. Luckily, Ondaatje was very diplomatic and guided this person to sit back down when she tried to ask a second question by pointing out the line behind her.
One of the best parts of the Q&A was when he discussed the two landscapes that have shaped him and his craft. He gives dues to his roots and where he put down roots. I think that's very noble and very true to his literature.
I got in line to have my book signed and was it moved along I looked around and noticed who I thought was David Chariandy. One of the VIWF staff walked by me so I asked just to make sure.
It was him! I had to make a decision and I decided that the line would still be there and David might not. Hoping out of line I went and introduced myself to him. Reading his novel Soucouyant for my Fourth year English class helped me huge to deal with my Grandfather's dementia. I even passed the novel along to my mother for her to read and understand further.
I am so very glad that I jumped out of line. My heart was such a flutter and I was so starstruck!
I got my book signed by Ondaatje and floated home.
The past is still, for us, a place that is not safely settled.
Michael Ondaatje
I semi-impromptu attended an event held by the Vancouver International Writer's Festival this evening. I say semi-impromptu because I had looked into attending a few weeks ago but then with life the event slipped my mind.
I'm so glad I remembered though!
Tonight I heard Micheal Ondaatje read from his new novel "The Cat's Table" and then have a nice q&a and book signing.
The event didn't quite start at 7:30 as the start time promised but that's what happens with these sort of things!
I sat alone but had lovely discussions with the folks around me. The lady to my right told me I looked "very avant garde" and "Very French." I was wearing my Banana Republic Beige Trench and my Paris beret! Oh la la!
But back to the event, it took place at St. Andrew's Wesley Church on Nelson Street @ Burrard. The church was pretty big and it was packed!!!
As Ondaatje read from his new novel in his authoritatively soothing voice the audience laughed at appropriate times.
When the question period began he remarked "I have to think and talk at the same time?"
Although, Ondaatje took the ship in the 50s from Sri Lanka to England just as his character Micheal did, he does not remember the journey and so was able to invent it.
The title "The Cat's Table" came about while he was having a phone conversation with someone in Germany who remarked she had been sat at the cat's table. Ondaatje had to ask what it was and his phone partner explained it was the worst table at an event. For a while it seemed to hold the novel together for him.
The audience question period went fairly well despite the acoustics in the church weren't all that great (odd for a church) and the one person who felt they needed to hear themselves talk and told an exceptionally long story that wasn't relevant to The Cat's Table. Luckily, Ondaatje was very diplomatic and guided this person to sit back down when she tried to ask a second question by pointing out the line behind her.
One of the best parts of the Q&A was when he discussed the two landscapes that have shaped him and his craft. He gives dues to his roots and where he put down roots. I think that's very noble and very true to his literature.
I got in line to have my book signed and was it moved along I looked around and noticed who I thought was David Chariandy. One of the VIWF staff walked by me so I asked just to make sure.
It was him! I had to make a decision and I decided that the line would still be there and David might not. Hoping out of line I went and introduced myself to him. Reading his novel Soucouyant for my Fourth year English class helped me huge to deal with my Grandfather's dementia. I even passed the novel along to my mother for her to read and understand further.
I am so very glad that I jumped out of line. My heart was such a flutter and I was so starstruck!
I got my book signed by Ondaatje and floated home.
The past is still, for us, a place that is not safely settled.
Michael Ondaatje
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