When all that's left is the memory

So my paternal grandfather finally let go.

He had a rough January. I think that not being able to celebrate his anniversary and birthday with my Grandma took it's toll and he ended up having a stroke.

This extra lose of control just weighed on him. On his body but also on the part of his mind that was still him. 

So it wasn't a huge surprise when the Doctor called to say he was on oxygen and not doing very well.

So I went to yoga with my mum and we headed to see him after. My dad was already there and being my dad, he was dealing with it as best he could.

BUT Grandpa/Shorty was eating well when we arrived so we let him finish and then had a good visit.

Mum and I talked about the twins and how it was getting close to their arrival. But mostly I just knelt beside him, my hand on his arm and breathing with him. Mum let him know it was okay if he was ready to just let go because Grandma and Uncle John were waiting for him. And he started to cry.

After a while, Mum and I left so my Dad could have time with Grandpa alone.

And he started to improve again.

A few days later, I taught a double and took a class after and when I finally checked my cell phone I knew. My cousin had texted me asking how I was. My dad had texted and emailed telling me he was gone.

I find it both amazing and mind boggling that on both days my grandparents left me I was full engrossed with yoga. I taught a SUP class and felt so at peace when Grandma had her heart attack and was in the ER and then this double and practicing when Grandpa finally left. I wish they could have somehow taken one of my classes but they are apart of me, my practice and my teaching and for that I'm grateful.

The next day I helped my dad, mum and uncle clear out my Grandpa's room. I found the post card I had sent him from LA in one of his drawers.

I didn't really need to be there but I think my dad needed the support, I think he liked having his family with him.

Even though this has been a long time coming and my grandpa has been losing control from the Alzheimer's for many years now, and so essentially he was really already gone, it still hurts, I still miss him. But I'm glad we got some time together before he had to go and he'll always be a part of me.

I lost both my  paternal Grandma and my paternal Grandpa within 8 months but I'm always waiting for two new arrivals in the form of my nephews. One door closes another opens doesn't it?

And I've been working since September with Memory Ball, an event that raises funds for the Toronto Alzheimer's Society, an event that brings awareness to a huge cause of death in Canada, and allows for there to be communication about a disease that has really touched my family.

Thank you Shorty for teaching me to laugh, for teaching me to love travel, for raising a wonderful son (father, and soon to be grandfather), for your love of story telling, for sharing your love of water with me.

No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.     
                                                                                                                               Haruki Murakami

Reach Out...Hard.

So I haven't been able to get myself back to visit my Grandpa again [yet].

I think it just shook me how different each visit can be so that is what I'm doing for Reach Out but it's going to have to be a big longer in it's execution. Because I want to continue to see him after I submit that project and I need to build the habit and prepare emotionally for it.

Work in progress to move towards an end goal for my Shorty!

Memory

Second visit with Grandpa today and I didn't stay very long.

It went...as well as a visit can go at this point?

He was having a good day Saturday. Today, he didn't know who I was, he kept picking at his skin and seemed annoyed.

So I sat with him for 10-15 minutes, gave him a kiss, and then left him to just be.

It was easier to force myself to get there but not easy to go inside, not easy to see my delightful and hilarious Grandfather so sombre and uncertain, and not easy to hear him say he didn't know me and I wasn't his granddaughter.

But none of that is his fault and he still deserves all the love, time and attention he gave to me.

I won't be able to get there for the next few days but Friday it's on my list. Hopefully, he'll be having a good day but regardless I'll be there.

Reach Out

Onto another Moksha Pillar.

I'm not sure there is an exact reason why I chose to do "Reach Out" for my second big project. I think maybe it has to do with just keeping momentum and needing to jump back in.

This is not going to be an easy journey for me, I want to be upfront and very honest about that.

Previous to yesterday, I had not seen my grandfather since August 9th, 2011 the night before I made a big life change.

Seeing him yesterday, sum it up? Ball of emotion. Before, During, After.

And likely that will be the case every time I visit. But sometimes, it's not about us, sometimes life is challenging in ways we never expected, never wanted and that means we have no clue where to go forward. The only thing to do is take a deep breathe and let the stories go.

I almost bailed on my own plan for this project, I don't think I'm ready to face this, face my grandfather who isn't really my grandfather in a lot of ways anymore.

I cried in the car driving to the home, cried in the car trying to get ready to go in, cried in the elevator up to his floor, cried while visiting, cried when leaving and have cried various times since for a variety of reasons.

But the first visit. The first time in almost two years of seeing my grandfather. I did it and my aversion is still so so strong but know what I learned? He's still there and I think I got my eyes from him.

Let me go back for a minute, I have a lot of trouble looking people in the eyes but yesterday I looked into my grandpa's eyes, saw him and saw him in me.

We had a conversation. He may have struggled. More than I can even tell I'm sure to get the fairly mumbled short sentences out but small conversations. He knew what he was talking about when he was talking about it and I know he recognized me. He may not know my name but he knew who I was. He smiled and I smiled.

And when the lady tried to get past his wheelchair and I had to move him so she could fit but then started talking to me (which by the way was heartbreaking for other reasons. She told me she was tossed aside and no one loved her. And my heart broke) I could see his annoyance in her being in his space, in being in his way.

When I eventually left-my visit was probably close to 45 minutes-giving my Shorty a kiss on the top of his head and leaving him there made my heart break. He looked at me though, after I walked away, he watched me at the elevator and waved me back over. He then stated very clearly to me "Don't hang out here" and I told him I was heading home and he asked how I was getting home and I told him I was driving and held up the car keys, giving him a kiss again and heading back to the elevator.

He's still here and I think that makes this that much harder than I had originally anticipated but more motivated because he needs to know he wasn't tossed aside and how much he is loved.